confessions of an addict

Confessions are never easy because it’s hard to put ourselves in a vulnerable position. But I feel like I have to confess; I’m a recovering addict. I know that many of you are shocked to hear me admit such a personal weakness because it is not the image that I portray in my everyday life. However, there comes a time in life when we have to face our demons. So please, let me start over; my name is Del Brixey and I am a recovering addict.
 
I actually grew up in a family of recovering addicts even though I was in denial about my parent’s addictions for many years. They would drag my sister and I to “support group” meetings several times a week, listening to an endless number of self-proclaimed “losers” tell their stories. I often wondered why these people felt comfortable sharing the intimate details of their struggles until one day I found myself face to face with my own problems. In terms of age, I was quite young when I owned up to my addiction. No one and I mean no one ever suspected what I was doing, except the “owner” of the “house” where the meetings were held. One day he asked me the most penetrating questions; it was like he was inside my head knowing exactly how I felt about everything. He told me that he could help me deal with the past, overcome my addiction and give me the ability to face the future. At first I didn’t believe him. How could anyone do all of that? Daily he would ask for permission to help me. His persistence was amazing. He seemed to care more about my problems than I did. After a few more weeks I finally confided in him that I needed his help. The next thing I know he started meeting with me on a daily basis. At first it was kind of freaky, because I wasn’t used to anyone getting so involved with my life, but soon it was like we were old friends and my life started to change in ways I could never have imagined. Eventually, with his encouragement I decided to check myself into a “residential” treatment center.
 
Hard doesn’t even come close to explaining the difficulty I had in dealing with all of the “house rules” at the treatment center, but my friend; the “owner” of the “house”, encouraged me to stick with it and I have to admit it really made a difference in my life. Over the years I have become just as comfortable as those other “losers” from my past about sharing the details of my ordeal even though every day is still a struggle for me. They say that you have to let go of the “guilt and shame” but isn’t easy for me; especially when I still have friends who are using and dealing in the stuff that reeked so much havoc in my life. But I had to make a clean break with my past. This separation was necessary so I could learn how to function in a healthy environment. My old friendships had to become distant memories if I wanted to stay clean. My bad habits had to be replaced with new activities to keep myself focused on recovery, but I still struggled with the voices in my head accusing me of being a traitor to my friends. One day I began to check out other facilities because I getting sick and tired of all of the “house rules.” I asked my friend, about some “half-way houses” that I heard about from other recovering addicts. He encouraged me to check them out for myself. 
 
For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, a “half-way house” is place where people transition from a very strict “residential” treatment center back into a more mainstream type of program. However, they can be very dangerous places for some people, because half the people are committed to recovery and the other half are just playing around in the program looking for their next fix. Now don’t get me wrong, both sets of people belong there, but it really causes confusion for those who are on the outside looking in, hoping to find answers. They constantly put down “all” of the people in the “house” because of the more prominent “posers” who stand out in the crowd.
 
At first I was blown away at how great it felt to be in a “house” surrounded with so many people like me who wanted to stay clean from their addictions without a bunch of strict “house rules” and I actually began to enjoy reaching out to the “posers”, but I must also confess that it became a bit boring over time. Even though my “addictions” were under control, it wasn’t any fun just hanging around with people just like me. I longed for a “hit” of something stronger to get my blood pumping again. Every week I became a little more frustrated with the whole mess. I met with my old friend, the “owner” about my frustrations. He told me that what I was experiencing was normal and it happens to most recovering addicts after they have been clean for awhile. They get the itch to make a difference. Before I knew it, I was in a training program that he had developed years earlier with his very first “support group.” He taught me how to take what I learned through my recovery process so I could assist other addicts in “real-life” situations. Unfortunately, it started making people in my “house” uncomfortable. My friend told me to be patient; he knew that I would find a new “house” when the time was right.  
 
Boy was he ever right. Eventually, my search led me to another “house” which was into everything my friend had been teaching me. This “house” took daily trips into the “hood” to help other addicts. Sometimes they even threw parties to reach out to the addicts that grew so big that the neighbors would call the police to restore order in the streets. Wow, what a trip! I was stoked to say the least and had to experience this kind of madness for myself. Throwing caution to the wind, I asked if there was room in the “house” for me. They assured me that there was always room in the “house” because the “owner” had promised to provide the funds for additional “houses” as needed. I moved in that day.
 
Well, it’s been over forty years since my first “support group” confession. I have had small setbacks along the way, but the teachings of the “owner” have stuck with me. Whenever I stumble his words comfort me, challenge me and support my efforts to get back on track. By now you probably have figured out what my addiction is; I am addicted to sin. I know that I am not alone. It’s a drug so common that there isn’t anyone who hasn’t been a user; some of us have even inhaled. By the number of smiles I know that many of you can relate to my story, but some of you are still in denial. You probably want to quit reading right now so you can try to muffle the voices in your own head that are arguing for control over your soul, but you can’t. The “owner” won’t let you. My suggestion is for you to listen to his voice because he can help you with your addiction; fall on your knees and beg the “owner” of the “house” to come to your rescue. Tell the other voices to hit the road, take a hike and never come back. But then again, I know that whatever you do today is your own choice not mine. Every addict has to decide for themselves. No intervention can help you if you don’t want to be helped, but I do want to share with you the following four “step” plan that has helped me and many others to get clean and stay clean.
 
Say it... ask for God’s help.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
 
This is the first step for an addict of any kind. It’s where we have to admit we have a problem and need help. God, the “owner” of the house, forgives our past, helps us with our present and then gives us a better future when we ask.
 
Take it... accept recovery.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God…” Ephesians 2:8
 
You can’t pay for your recovery with money or through volunteer work; it’s a gift from God. He paid the way for everyone by sending his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross.  
 
Enjoy it… a new life.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
 
Without the fear of our past, our present or our future, we can begin to enjoy a new life. That doesn’t mean we won’t have problems, but it does mean we have access to all of the “power tools” necessary to overcome any obstacle we face in life.  
 
Pass it….share the story.
“And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others.” 2 Timothy 2:2
 
The final step in our recovery is when we are able to share with others what has happened in our life. When we know that we know what we know, we want to “pass it” on to someone else who needs to overcome their own addictions. All it takes is a willing heart to share what God has done in your life. 
 
Thank you for letting me share my confession with you. As I said in the beginning, I am a recovering addict. You can call me a “loser” in you want, because I have “lost” the fear of my past, the fear of my present and the fear of my future because I live in the “owner’s house” and so can you. As you “check your pulse” this week, think about the “steps” you have taken to get where you are today; don’t worry if you are off track, just talk with the “owner” of the “house” and he will guide you in the right direction. And by the way, don’t forget to share your own story with others.
 
Del Brixey
“A Recovering Addict”
 
CHALLENGED TO THE CORE
P.O. BOX 414
LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA 92352-0414
 

To discontinue your free subscription to pulse check please,click here