BEQUEATH THE VOWS: STEP THREE
“And the things you have heard me say
in the presence of many witnesses entrust
to reliable men who will also be qualified
to teach others.” 2 Timothy 2:2

As we get older, sorry I meant to say mature, our view of life as an endless stream of days linked together by hopes and dreams begins to change. We realize that our days are numbered and some of our hopes and dreams will never be realized. I am not being fatalistic, just realistic. That’s why it’s so important for couples to choose wisely when they get married. You don’t want to wake up some morning regretting the way you have spent your life. Over the years my wife and I have counseled with numerous people who live with the constant regret of their personal rebellion against God. They see their children following in their footsteps, making the same mistakes and refusing to listen to their counsel. In fact, I believe that most parents struggle with this same type of regret to some degree or another. We have to give this burden to God just like every other burden. We have to allow Him to cleanse us from our guilt and create in us a renewed strength to walk worthy. Our desire is to train couples, who are not perfect but have learned from their mistakes, on how to “bequeath the vows” of their successful marriage to the next generation. They become mentors to younger couples, sharing their mistakes, their successes and their insights. Here is a simplified breakdown of the mentoring process, which we like to call step “three”.              
 
Take stock…
A good cook can go to the pantry and “take stock” of what’s available to make a delicious meal at a moment’s notice. They see all of the possibilities from what’s before them, whereas most of us would stand there bemoaning our hopeless situation. A mentor couple has dealt with tough situations before, providing them with the ability to make a good assessment of a young couple’s marriage. They are able to see what the younger couple can’t see because of their inexperience, their clouded judgment or the fury of their anger. This ability to size up a situation, quickly gives them credibility so they can begin to perform marital triage. Like an emergency room doctor they have to be able to diagnose and treat the most critical injuries first so healing can begin to take place.     
 
Heal wounds…
Doctors take an oath to bring no harm to their patients. Their mission is to provide the best medical care possible to heal their patient’s wounds, but patients have to have the will to get better before real healing can take place. Couples whose marriage is in trouble must also have a strong will or commitment to save their marriage. Commitment in a marriage is like the immune system in our bodies; the stronger our commitment, the better our chances are in fighting off an infection. Sometimes couples are in so much emotional pain that a care giver has a horrendous time providing the appropriate first aid. By pressing on, asking questions and listening intently to the answers that are given progress can still be made. Sometimes, what’s not said is more important that what is said. By avoiding the use of certain words or refusing to talk about particular issues the “real” problems become apparent. As easy as it is to give up, mentors must continue to render care even when the going gets tough.
 
Render truth...
Rendering truth to someone who is in emotional pain can be difficult, but a skilled practitioner can deliver the truth in love. They know when to speak and when to be silent. It’s actually more of an art than science. My wife is much more skilled at this than I am. She is able to read between the lines of stilted communication quickly getting to the core of a problem. Part of that is her practice of being a mother and the rest is just God given talent. Together we make a pretty good team as we combine our gifts to minister to couples in distress. But here’s the problem; not everyone is ready to hear the truth at first blush. A mentor can move so fast in their effort to share the truth that they are in danger of creating an emotional distance between themselves and the couple in distress. God calls each of us to “season” the world like salt. The appropriate amount of salt is very important to the success of our mission; too much or too little will equally ruin the desired outcome. When mentors listen to God, they will know when to speak and how much to share. Remember, God’s in charge of the whole process, we are just tools in His hands.
 
Expose dangers...
Every marriage has a few dangerous places. It all depends on our individual weaknesses. Mentor couples uncover or expose these dangerous areas for their protégés to examine. For instance, some couples might need to move away from meddling parents or to limit their contact, so they can discover how to handle life without the pressure of having to choose between their spouse and their families domineering influence. It sounds so simple sometimes, but every one of us has a blind spot in some area. Sometimes we need the constructive input of a third party to help us see the glaring dangers around us. It’s also important to note at this point that even though a couple may say that they want help, they may not be willing to do the work necessary. Being a “fixer”, it’s very difficult for me when couples just put in their time week after week knowing full well that their minds are already made up. They view time with you as a requirement so they can justify to their friends and family that they tried “everything” to save their marriage, when in fact they never really tried in the first place.
 
Encourage growth...
Mending fences is a never ending job for a rancher and for married couples. Let’s face it we are imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. However, if all we do is mend fences in our relationships we will never become the spouses God wants us to be. Mentors teach couples to look at “why” and “how” the fence became broke in the first place; that’s were real growth happens. They need to be authentic, willing to share examples from their own marriage. Assisting couples in the development of a plan that is structured around their own unique personalities is also very important, because what works for one couple may not work for another. Some couples can read books together, while others find more satisfaction in attending marriage seminars. It’s finding out what works best. A great way to stimulate this process is by encouraging a young couple to meet with you on a regular basis. It doesn’t have to be a structured learning environment. We meet with various couples on a monthly or quarterly basis around some sort of activity. Learning will often take care of itself in the context of the relationship that is being built.    
 
As you check your pulse this week, ask yourself two questions. First, “Who are you allowing to influence your marriage in a positive way?” In other words who are your marriage mentors? Secondly, “Who are you influencing in a positive way with your marriage?” You have to be very intentional about this assignment or it won’t yield the proper result. Before you start making excuses, let me give you a word of encouragement. If you commit yourself to the process, God will bring you an answer to both questions. I received an email this week from someone who has been reading our articles. He and his wife have had failed marriages in the past, but have finally managed to get it right. When I followed up with them, the husband told me that they have set a goal of “apprenticing” six couples through premarital training per year. May God bless their step of faith as they “bequeath the vow” of marriage to couples from the next generation. 
 
Del Brixey
“One Vow, Three Steps"
 
CHALLENGED TO THE CORE
P.O. BOX 414
LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA 92352-0414
 
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